I’m writing this just for me, but if you’re reading it, well, I hope you get something out of it. I’m writing to process and to persevere. It might not be pretty, it might not be profound, it might not be pleasant. It is what it is.
Sometimes, it feels like Depression is winning. But I remind myself that I’m working not to think, write, or speak about Depression in adversarial terms, winning, losing, battling, fighting, affliction, oppression, suffering. Depression can be and maybe just is all those things. I’m not denying that.
In pursuing a life of wellness, it’s important for me to accept Depression as part of my reality. Maybe that sentence causes some sort of reaction in you, some belligerence or denial. For me, it’s about accepting that it’s a brain disorder; it’s chemistry or neurons or something biological that fires differently in my brain than it would in someone without the same disorder. It’s about accepting that I need to learn to manage Depression and making the choice to manage Depression.
How well do I manage Depression?
Sometimes better than others. It’s shitty, sometimes really, really shitty.
How do I manage Depression?
Therapy, mindfulness, writing, meditation, distraction, affirmation, art, prayer, friendship, silence, weeping, talking to myself, surviving…to name a few. I finally called around to a few psychiatrists that my therapist says have some kind of training with disordered eating to explore some options for medication. Medication didn’t go well for me last time I tried it many years ago, but I am not the same person I was then, and I hope to find a psychiatrist that I can stand to work with. I’ve been seeing the same therapist for a year now, and I plan to keep on going back because it’s helpful. Sometimes it’s annoying and challenging and painful and terrible, but it’s still helpful.
In general, and especially while I’m having this craptastic week, I’m trying to re-frame my Depression, to encounter it, to experience it, to let it be. I’m trying to live and breathe through it, and so far I’m still here. It still feels pretty shitty, but it’s okay. And the way I feel today is not the way I felt yesterday or the day before that or the beginning of the week. Even though it’s been a shitty week and there was definitely a drastic swing or two into the deeper Depression, I also know that just my ability to recognize it means that I’m making progress in managing it. I’m able to remain conscious to Depression rather than being blindly engulfed.
Depression is just my dance partner, and, yeah, I hate dancing, but on we go, dancing through life however we can. So, that’s something.